Why couldn't you
by menirestless
Summary: EO story about closure, or not? Placed in the mids of season 15. Liv is about to marry Cassidy but her heart feels otherwise. She needs to at least talk to Elliot and get some answers before she moves on. But is that all? M just to be safe (sex scenes, swearing etc)
1. The Need to See Him

She said yes, when he asked her she just said yes...

He was good to her and after all the trauma she want through she just needed someone. The wedding was plant in a few weeks. She couldn't believe that she was getting married, especially to Brian. A month before the wedding she asked Fin to go for drinks and catch up, they haven't had the time to do that in so long.

"So Liv, how is it going? With Cassidy I mean" he wanted to be sure that she was gonna be happy.

"It's nice. He is nice to me."

"You don't sound exited for a bride-to-be!" From the look on her face Fin knew that she wasn't really happy.

"Fin ,the important thing is that I feel safe." Olivia tried to not look him in the eyes and she popped the question that's been eating her up for months now.

"Have you talked to him?" her hand started to shake.

"Brian, no!" Fin knew who she was talking about.

"Come on Fin, you know I don't mean Brian... I just want to..." he cut her off.

" Olivia, what are you trying to do?" he asked

"Nothing... nothing I just want to know how is he, if he is ok." she said with her heart paralyzed.

"He is fine. Now drop it."

"So you talked to him..."

"I did, a few weeks ago"

She didn't say a word. She kept looking at the floor feeling the heat in the eyes. He talked to Fin but he didn't talked to her? He's been gone for 3 years now and all she got from him was a note. A note! After all these years of friendship and partnership and... No there was nothing else between them! Just that! But why wasn't that enough for him to peek up the damn phone!

"Liv, you ok?"

"Yeah... yeah I'm ok" she turned her eyes to his. "Do you have an address?"

"WHAT?"

"Well don't react like that! All I asked was an addr..."

"Why Liv? Why do you wanna do that to yourself? The guy has been ignoring you for so long, just let go, ok?"

She felt a wave of loss running through her body. Let go? But how could she just let go? It sounded so easy but it really wasn't!

"I can't just "let go" Fin! I need answers! How can I have closure to my relationship to him without having an actual conversation?"

"I have the address but I want you to call me when it's over. I wanna make sure that you'll be ok after this"

"I will. Thank you for understanding Fin!" she put her hand on his.

Fin could see that little sparkle in her eyes within all the sadness and sorrow.

"When can you give it to me?" she asked

"Tomorrow at work."

"Ok"

She couldn't sleep. Her mind was just stuck on the address. That little piece of paper on the counter. Could she really do it? Could she really just show up on his doorstep? What would she say? What if he wanted nothing to do with her? What if Kathy through her out? What if... She couldn't leave like that! Olivia Benson wasn't a "what if..." woman!

The wedding was in two week. She had to go and get the heavy weight off her chest. She wanted to see him one more time, his blue eyes, those blue eyes that haunted her for years. Brian walked in the living room. She didn't hear him.

"Liv..."

She jumped and turned to face him with her one hand on her chest.

"Wow... you scared the hell out of me"

"I'm sorry honey. You just weren't next to me then I woke up."

"I...I just couldn't sleep"

"Do you want me to warm you up some milk?"

"Em...no, no thanks I'm ok. You go back to bed and I'll be right there"

"Ok sweetheart" He kissed her forehead gentle and walked back to the bedroom.

She watched him walking away and felt horrible. He was such a nice guy. How can she do this to him? He made her feel safe, secure, loved in a way but he wasn't Elliot. She wished she could give her heart to Brian but who could she give something that wasn't hers anymore to give? She just had to do something to get out of this mess. Tomorrow. She would go tomorrow!

Olivia asked Cragen the day off. She just wanted to prepare herself. She just needed time to feel sure about it. She took a bath, did her hair and choose an outfit. Jeans and a T-shirt will do. And there she was, in her car, right outside of a huge building, she had a bottle of vodka with her. She needed a push to do this and she figured that vodka will do. Her thoughts when to her mother, no she wasn't going to become like her, she just needed to get some strength. Olivia looked at the address again. Yes that was it. His apartment was 8D. She got out of the car and entered the building. She found his door. Took a deep breathe and felt dizzy maybe from the vodka. He was just a knock away. Olivia raised her hand and knocked...


	2. Why couldn't you just be there?

Elliot was sitting on the couch with a bottle of bear. He heard a knock on the door and got up. He didn't want to see anyone.

"Who is it?" he asked.

She heard his voice and felt her heart bite raising. Her voice couldn't get out of her mouth. but somehow she managed to say her name...

"Olivia!"

He couldn't believe what he just heard. Was it really her? What did she want? No, no it just can't be! He opened the door to make himself believe it. she was standing right there, in frond of him. Their eyes met.

She wanted to scream at him, hit him in the face, make him feel pain. She felt hurt, lost, furious, angry as he looked at her. At the same time she wanted to hug him, kiss him, make him feel her love for him, the love that was born in her heart from day one. Instead she just walked in. He closed the door and turned to face her.

"We need to talk!" she said and couldn't believe her voice sounded so straight.

"What do you wanna talk about?"

"I have questions and need answers"

He knew that some day he was gonna have to answer all of her questions.

"Euh... ok go ahead Liv."

To the sound of her nickname she lost it and started yelling at him.

"Oh don't you "Liv" me Elliot. How could you do this to me? After all these years how could you leave me like that? Without a word, not even a call just a note with not even a full sentence. I went through hell and where were y..."

"Wow, wow, Liv just let me explain..."

"Explain? Now you want to explain?" she felt tears streaming down her cheeks "Why couldn't you explain to me then? Why couldn't you peek up the damn phone? Why couldn't you just come and find me? Why couldn't you just...just..."

She was out of herself. He went closer to her.

"Just what?"

"Love me ,you asshole"

He was shocked that she said it. She was shocked that she said it. They both froze. She needed to put her self together. She wiped her tears.

"So explain yourself?"

He looked her in the eyes. Then he spoke.

"That's why Liv... I just loved you too much to make you deal with my mess."

She bit the bottom lip. He sat on the sofa next to them with his hands on his knees and his head down.

" I couldn't drag you into this. When I killed that girl, I was a wreck. I couldn't sleep or eat. Kathy left me, my kids left me. I didn't deserved anyone Olivia. I still don't. That why I didn't want to be in your life. You deserve a real best friend, a real partner... a real man to be by your side. I just couldn't do be that"

"Even when I needed you the most?"

He knew she was talking about Lewis.

"I was." he whispered.

She felt like her mind was going to explode. "Where?" it's all she could ask.

"When they found you, I was searching too, I saw you at the hospital. I made sure you were ok. I asked Cragen not to tell you. I was in court too. God knows how much I wanted to strangle the son of a bitch!"

"I needed you with me. I needed to know you were there!"

"I was!"

"No, no to me you weren't" she yelled through her tears.

He got up and went closer to her. Too close.

"Please Liv, please don't cry! I don't deserve your tears!"

She placed her hands on his chest and took a step foreword. Looked him in the eyes.

"What have you done to my Elliot? Why isn't he here?"

"I don't think I'm the same anymore! The Elliot you knew is gone Liv!"

No, no he is wrong. Her Elliot is still in there, he had to be!

Her tears were still falling.

"But I need him!"

God she was still so beautiful. He pushed away a few tears from her cheek and made chills run down her body.

His touch always had a special affect on her. She couldn't let it get too far. She wanted to kiss him so bad, she couldn't. When she asked why couldn't he love her he didn't say that he did. He didn't feel the same. She knew it but if she kissed him and he turned her down her heart would become a million pieces.

He tried to get even closer but...

"I'm getting married."

His eyes snapped open and look straight to hers. She didn't look back at him, her eyes were stuck on the floor. He realized what she just said and his heart dropped.

"Do I know him?"

"Brain"

"Cassidy?"

"Yeah."

They both took their hands from each other.

"I'm... I'm happy for you."

She made her hands two little fists. She was about to break down. She wanted to punch him.

"That's all you have to say?" she snapped

Elliot got confused. All he wanted to do was to crap her and kiss her with all the passion he had for her but she was about to get married. He couldn't just get into her life like that again. She deserved better.

"You deserve to be happy Liv! You deserve all the happiness in the world and if you think Cassidy is going to give you that then I think you should go ahead and...marry him."

It was the hardest thing he had ever said. He just said to the love of his life to go ahead and marry another guy.

"I guess I will" she said holding back her tears this time. He was giving up on her. For the first time he just gave up, without even fighting for her.

He nobbed and she walked to the door. He heard her opening it and slamming it behind her...

Thanks for reading! Please review and tell me if I should continue the story! xxxxx


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